ástin mín

Til Íslands,

Hví ert þú svo dýrt að fljúga til? Mig langar til að koma og vera með þér, en þú kosta meira en eitt þúsund dollara í heimsókn! Vinsamlegast vera ódýrari, eins og ég er fátækur og í háskólanum.

Kveðja sannarlega,
Fern

Einnig, ekki hafa áhyggjur óður í the plúton.

Out Of Stock :(

Black Vegan Vedder MATT & NAT

DOES WANT.

Om nom.

It's almost that time o' the month, which means my appetite is monstrous.

Like, don't get too close to me or I may smell the remnants of last night's dinner on you and think that you are food. At which point, I will probably eat you.

If you don't believe me, let me lay out for you what my "meals" consisted of yesterday.

For breakfast, I had two bowls of cereal and some tea. As an after breakfast snack, I had an entire row of Chunks Ahoy! cookies. I then had a huge bowl of soup for lunch and started in on the second row of cookies. For dinner, I downed an enormous slice of lasagna and garlic toast. For the rest of the night I resisted the temptation to drive to Dairy Queen and buy a ice cream cake for myself.

Today has been worse! I'll spare you all the gory details, but let's just say that cupcakes for dinner seems like a swell idea. Shit, I'd eat a shoe covered in caramel.

To update you on my life very quickly, I will say that it's business as usual. I was thisclose to quitting Starpukes, but was spared by the sad eyes of an 18-year-old protege of mine. I am such a sucker for pathetic rhetoric - and cheesecake.

I feel guilty about neither.

Good lord.

I guess you could say I'm a fan of that guy up there, which is really interesting because I'm a total atheist. True story.

It's probably comparable to the way I feel about Elliot Smith or any other person I've posted in idolatry - some people are just awesome and worth adoration!

Here's why Jesus is cool, and why you're allowed to think Jesus is cool, even if (like myself) you feel awkward and sinful walking past churches on your way to the bus.

1. Jesus made a lot of quotes for himself that people still wander around saying, sometimes without even realizing that he originally said them. I am guilty of this. I am known to tell people "do unto others as you would have done unto you" (which is extremely hard to stammer out when you've been drinking, by the way) and only tonight did I finally google it and see who said it. And I sat there, dumbfounded, before finally saying:
"Alright, Jesus, you win this one."

2. Jesus had a fuck-ton of followers because he had a real interest in helping them, which is something that isn't too common nowadays. Most of the time, I see people hide behind their iPod's earphones and avoid homeless folks downtown. There's nothing wrong with homeless folks, except for they haven't got homes. This wouldn't have bothered Jesus, I imagine. In fact, I imagine him pulling his earbuds out (I assume he's listening to either Gregorian chants or Neil Young) and pulling up some curb to hang out and help out anyone who needs it. You go, Jesus.

3. Jesus died for no real reason except for that everyone else was being an asshole. In fact, he didn't even really understand why he had to die. And I quote: "My God, why have you forsaken me?" I think I'd be saying something completely different, if my ankles were having metal stakes driven through them. "Ouch", perhaps. But really, he took everyone's sins onto himseld and just kind of...went for it. That's a pretty noble thing to do.

4. RESURRECTION!

5. Water into wine? My good sir, you've captivated my heart and soul! I like a nice chardonnay, if you don't mind.

I could go on, but I think you see the point. It's funny, I've always had this internal struggle as to how I should feel about religion and Jesus and God, but I think in my old age and education, I've finally figured it out. Guys, it is totally cool to not be religious, but to still respect religions beyond the "yeah, they can think whatever they want to" thing. Religion is a meaningful part of people's lives that guide their choices and ways of being, and just because non-believers refute their beliefs and Gods doesn't make them any less real for the believers. Every person has a different ultimate reality that they are accountable to. For me, I am accountable to the ground and the earth when I die, and not the secular "God in heaven" belief - but that is totally cool. You make your own reality and you construct your own understanding of the afterlife (if there is one), which means that I am going to a completely different place than you (if you're Christian or otherwise) when we both die.

I guess the moral to this blog is that Jesus was rad, I'm still a non-secular punk and everyone goes wherever they believe they're going to when they die. So stop worrying and enjoy your life.

The end!

To my friends:

What you see above is quite possibly the most comfortable, most beautifully stunning, most expensive chair that I have ever known, yet failed to own. If you love me the way I know you do, a bunch of you will pool together and start saving the change leftover from the five dollar bills you give at Tim Horton's for your $2 coffees in a little jar at one of your houses - just so you can buy this chair for me. It won't take long to save up, and my birthday is still 8 months away. This is doable. Please - my house is only filled with black-brown, rectangular Ikea furniture. It's an absolute tragedy to live this way.

All my love,
FMcG

Daydreams

I've had a few revelations about what my life would be like if I had absolute freedom to do what I pleased.

You know, being in school and tied down to a job is sort of like living in a box. Things get to be pretty predictable fairly quickly, so it's nice to have such a raging imagination to use as crutches that get me through the day.

If I could, I'd abandon all my routine and take my hard body to the pole! Dancing under the pseudonym of Brenda, I'd shake it and spin to Def Leppard in a pair of white cowboy boots. I'd stuff my boots with wrinkled 5's and 10's, and go home exhausted but rich, falling asleep in my post-show velour tracksuit.

Okay, now, realistically - that's not something I could do, but what I could do is this (which was mentioned tonight in the car ride home): I could workout and take pole-dancing lessons. I'd like to be as good as Felix Cane - maybe even compete and steal the title away from her! Yeah, right.

Aside from my starry-eyed strip club circuit dream, I'd drop everything and move to France for art school. I'd spend my days painting and sculpting - my nights spent dancing and drinking cheap wine. I'd wear novelty berets and striped t-shirts would be a wardrobe staple! This is actually a very realistic dream, once I think about it. I could totally stock my closet with striped shirts, seeing as they're haute couture at H&M these days. Mais, oui!

Of course, there are other fantasies and daydreams, but I can't remember them all now. The biggest dream right now is to dig my goddamn way out of Starbucks-hole-in-the-ground hell. I'm on the hunt for a new job a.s.a.p. You know shit is rough when even your manager jumps ship.

Le sigh.

Two Days Off

Yes, a whole two days!

But it's kind of like this: I bitch and moan about how much my life sucks when I have to drag my ass out of bed at 4:30 in the morning to go brew coffee and take shit, but then I get a couple of days off and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm like one of those experiment kids that they leave in a black room with no stimulation or emotion from birth until age 20 and then release into the world to study. Sad.

I got up this afternoon (don't judge), and promptly threw together a load of laundry and a pan of brownies, because I'm a domestic goddess. And then I sat my big ass down and got reacquainted with the dirty world of celebrity gossip. I haven't touched the stuff since fighting off my despicable addiction back in 2005, but today I dipped my toes in for just a quick feel of what the Holly-world is buzzing with. And do you know what I discovered? Not a whole fucking lot has changed. And I immediately remembered why I cut off all ties in the first place. Here's the big news:

1. Mel Gibson is a raging, racist psychopath.
Didn't we already know this? Didn't he already make a few distasteful comments that dirtied his good father image? Apparently now while he's not hitting his own infant son and import wife, he's raging about not having any money because of said family. If anyone is allowed to rage about not having any money, it's normal folks (like me). I'd bet downsizing a house or two and selling a few cars/designer duds might add some more zeros to the bank balance in a jiffy. Cock. Read about it here.

2. Lindsay Lohan is in prison.
Ha, we'll see how long that lasts. However, seeing as LiLo (unlike Mel) is actually poor these days, she doesn't have any money to buy her way out. And there are no dicks to suck in an all-female prison. Sha-boing!

3. There's this thing called Jersey Shore.
...which I imagine is a lot like "The Hills", which was also just "Laguna Beach", which all came from the afterbirth of fictional show "The O.C.". Actually, let's not kid ourselves - they're all fictional! Fortunately I gave up cable a long time ago, so I never have to subject myself to horrendous "reality" television programs.

4. I still don't like twitter.
And it's because it allows the continued whoring and self-promotion of already too-famous and spoiled "celebrities" who are really only famous for being...famous? Self-promotion is not a talent worth fame, folks. People do that at job interviews all the time, and you don't see them tweeting their opinions as facts and expecting results.

I have a brownie migraine setting in. Damn you, Betty Crocker!