Stranger Than Fiction.

I live for stories like this.

A very lovely young woman at work told me this story today, and I'm not really sure if I should vomit or laugh. You can read it and make your own decision on it. Get comfy...

So, there's this girl, Lindsay, a close friend of the girl I work with. Lindsay is in law school; her family's got a fairly prominent last name in the Edmonton business scene. Lindsay has been going to the same night club for a few months now, and every time she goes, the same guy is there. He's a fairly healthy specimen, and she'd like to get to know him a little better, if you catch my drift. Finally, on one fiery Friday night, Lindsay and this guy are finally both fueled with enough alcohol to lose their inhibitions and go for the sexual gold. However, at the last minute, Lindsay decides she'd rather not do the do with this relative stranger. However, she's more than willing to put his pee-pee where drinks had just been. She sucks him off in the car, and they part ways. Two weeks post-blowjob, Lindsay's top lip begins to swell in a peculiar way. When she touches it, it feels stringy and gelatinous. Alarmed, she books a hasty appointment with her M.D. to get this shit checked out. After a quick look, the doctor concludes that Lindsay's top lip is the newest home for a batch of (now get ready) worms. There's at least a hundred worms and larvae holed up in her kisser. She hits the floor (obviously), and wakes up to the doctor prepping a needle with extra strength bug killer (not literally). He injects her lip to kill the squirmies, and scribbles up a 2 week prescription of antibiotics to flush the little fuckers out of her system. Now, this seems just like any other STD horror story until now. On her way out of the clinic, the doctor asks her if she has engaged in any oral sexual activities recently. Ashamed, she tells him that she has. The doctor inquires if she had any open sores in her mouth during the time in which this incident occurred, to which she also replies yes. The doctor tells Lindsay that this is how she contracted the worms. The gross thing about this is that these worms come from engaging in sexual intercourse with animals or (worse yet) deceased human beings. Did I mention that this story takes place in Alberta yet? Figuring that this guy is like any other bored farm boy, and pissed as all hell, Lindsay hits the bar scene that very next Friday night, searching for the sheep-fucker who gave her worms. Nobody's seen him lately, but they do tell her that he lives just outside of town, with his aunt and uncle. They give her a last name and turns detective, searching them up in the white pages. Much to Lindsay's horror, when she finally finds them, it's not in the white pages, rather the yellow. This man's aunt and uncle own a crematorium and funeral home - family owned and operated. Their home? Situated above their business. And the guy she sucked off? Employed there, with unlimited access to the deceased bodies. So, no, his taste is less for cattle and more for...well, I think you get it by now. Anyways, this poor girl is now completely fucked up. She has nightmares about the incident and has been in counseling for months. She's also suing this random stranger for fucking her lip up, for stress and trauma, and for the cost of all her medications and counseling appointments. The RCMP is also now investigating the funeral home and all of it's employees because, apparently, this young man is not the only dude rocking these tell-tale worms.

Now, stories like these I usually file under the "weird and impossible" heading, and completely write off as a urban legend. But this one? There's evidence of it being 100% true, which makes it all the more disgusting. I guess the moral of the story? Be mindful of what you put in your mouth, I guess. You never really know where things have been. And I guess it's more like, don't take things for surface value. He probably looked like an average guy, but really....I don't know. There's a lot that can be taken away from this.

In other news, my internet pulled a Houdini on me. I'm currently sitting in the cafe Squid works out, tapping into their free wi-fi. I'm becoming accustomed to this sort of thing. I haven't lost the blogging passion, rather, I've lost the passion to pester my landlord to, quite literally, hook a sister up. Oh well.

I strongly feel like summer is slowly making it's way to my neck of the woods. Today, the sun was shining brightly and I was genuinely sweating in my work appropriate black turtleneck. This new burst of sun makes me feel hopeful that things will get better. Things haven't been so peachy as of late; not for anyone, it would seem.

It's my ex-lover's birthday today - a painful reminder of what was lost.

I will bury you in time.