almost

Car accidents...excite me?

This is something I have just discovered post-near accident. I keep reliving and relishing in the sweet sound of the truck's tires skidding on a fine layer of gravel to a breath-stopping halt - mere inches away from my car and my personage. It was the way everything was fast and slow at the same time. Fuck, this is weird.

Did I mention I've dyed my hair? Yeah. This is what happens when you live alone and get bored. It's a mousy brown that Clairol lovingly refers to as "Suede". My hair, I feel, is a close reflection of who I am as a person. When I am a mess, the hair is also a mess. And the really fabulous thing about my hair is that, no matter what, I always retain control over my hair. My job may tell me how to dress, but they can fuck off when it comes to my aesthetics. Bang bang!

chow mein

I almost got smushed on Saturday night.

Some ultra-imbibed pussy dick in a huge white truck blew a stop sign and almost took yours truly out. F'sho. Could have died...but didn't! Aw, don't act too disappointed now.

I've bought some amazing new threads in the past few days. Of the noteworthy: a grey striped number for a solid $1.94. No, do not question your eyesight. I did say a $1.94. I know, right? Amazing!

By the way, giving Heath Ledger an Oscar isn't going to make him any less dead. Just in case you didn't know.

because I just want to say it

I have to open up. This happens whenever I drink green tea - I get sentimental. I want to tell you about the most beautiful moment of my life.

It was in early April. The air was still crisp in the morning; the birds still testing the skies with newly opened wings. It was a long night after partying - if you recall, you'll know what I say when I say it was the morning after the truck incident. I was driving back to the party to check on the people remaining and see the aftermath of the wildest party I've been to. With me were the two people in this world that I love the most - of course, neither of them know that. The seats were folded down in the SUV, so they were laying prostrate on the floor; both still heavily intoxicated. We were driving along a back road to the party spot. The road was rough and dusty, but we finally reached pavement and cruised smoothly. With the music playing softly, we were all silent on our long ride back. I was driving past a field when I saw it. The sun was shining down clear and hopeful from just above the hilltop over the long grass. Amongst the grass was a single deer, grazing silently, unaware of my existance and the events that had unfolded in the last 6 hours. I slowed the vehicle, and turned to ask my loved ones if they could see it, too. And that's when it became the most beautiful moment. When I turned around, they were both sound asleep. I don't know what it was about it, but for some reason, everything felt safe and beautiful. Everything was amazing and my heart was filled with so much love that it felt like it might just...burst. The warm sun, the quiet field, and the two most beautiful people in the world sleeping so soft and sweetly as I drove. It was trust and it was love and it was beauty. And it was all captured in that moment.

I wish I could have that every day.

imports

You guys...I'm awful.

I don't know why it is, but whenever I see an asian woman with a caucasian man, I always assume she's a mail-order bride. Especially if he's ugly and she could definitely do better. In all seriousness, I can't help but be suspicious.

That's bad, isn't it?

It happened again today downtown. Pretty asian gal and an ugly white dude with a comb over. I watched them interact for a while - she seemed distant and he seemed needy. It was almost like....she was ordered over the interweb.

Who knows?

hot off the press

Now is the time I use the free "whine" pass. I have issues, which I will kindly sum up in a few short sentences.

Issue #1: Roadtrip.
I am no longer going to a foreign province, because my road tripping buddies are weenuses. So, instead of hanging out in a cooler city than the one I reside on those days I booked off, I'm going to be probably just sitting at home, smelling like ass from not showering and eating rice cakes in front of the tube. This issue correlates with:

Issue #2: Friends.
It feels like all my "best pals" are suddenly becoming too cool for me. Exemplar: Tonight, my redheaded friend was all like "hey, come over to (other friend)'s house, and we can hang out." Well, I got there, and redhead says: "Oh, hey. I don't have time to hang out with you tonight, and seeing as you're here already, drive me home." I was so obviously used. And all my other friends? Well, they mostly just suck and only want to see me when it's convenient for them. Even then, I'm the last person they call.

Issue #3: Body.
I feel like Bessie the heifer. Even when people tell me "oh my GAWD, you've lost so much weight", I still envision myself as Rita MacNeil's identical twin. Bulimia sounds cuter and cuter every time I consider it. Sigh. The real deal with this shpeal is that it is quite possible that I have lost some weight; I just don't eat anymore.

Issue #4: Work.
Fuck. 'Nuff said.

I need a holiday. I was thinking that maybe I'd take a funtastic voyage down the coast sometime soon. Go to Ikea and feed the nesting instinct. Shop 'til I drop at Old Navy. Essentially, blow a bunch of cash until I feel better.

That can't be healthy.

green machine

The mountain was a no go.

Drove up there last night after work to be greeted by a man with a heavy accent and a woman who looked vaguely like a female Jon Stewart. The lodgings that were promised to us as being "amazing" was essentially a crack shack in the middle of the woods. Disappointment is a five letter word, and it rhymes with shlabin.

So we decided to drink absinthe on a beach instead.

I felt fine all night; felt good all morning. I ate a cinnamon bun and drank some coffee on the waterfront. I never get hang overs....well, I never used to. Half an hour ago or so...oh, man. I'm feelin' the green drink workin' it's devil magic. My stomach is a tsunami.

Goddamn. I have to go to work like this.

working for the weekend

"Man, what day is it?"
"Uh..I actually don't know. Thursday?"
"Thursday?"
"No. Wait. It's Friday. It has to be."
"Fuck."

It's getting pretty bad, I've gotta say. All I do is work and do laundry. No joke. The upside of this is that I'm getting mad paycheque, which makes me feel pretty good. The downside? No social life and a constant backache. Ehhhhh.

Going up to the lake Saturday night, kids. We've got a cabin next to the lake that just screams "ghost stories and marshmellows". I'm also fairly stoked on getting to drive the big, mean, gas-guzzlin' SUV up the mountain. I feel so very bullet-proof when I'm driving that thing. Like 50 cent minus 9 bullets. Hilarity ensues when I finally crawl out of the pimp machine and back into the bitchmobile. I don't feel like Tough Stuff McGee. I just feel...small. Sigh.

My glasses will be ready for me tomorrow. Vision will be nice, I'm sure.

red honda.

I'm so money hungry. I chase the dollars, you guys. I chase the dollars.

Nothing grinds my gears more than getting robbed by the bank, either. Did you know that I was charged 14 big ones last month for "abusing my transaction privileges"? Now you do. Apparently, I'm only allowed to make 25 transactions a month. Any more, and they're Jeff Stryker, fuckin' me without any mercy. Bang bang.

Money's important though, and the older I get, the more and more I realize it. Budgeting is something new and exciting for me. I consider it a hobby and seeing as I have expenses flying at me with supersonic force as of late, it's a good thing I enjoy it. However, expenses still suck harder than a Gigli/Crossroads double feature.

But nevermind pop-induced cinema; I'm going away soon. Nothing's better than roadtripping with friends. Come the 26th, we're couch surfing in Calgary. Yes, we're loading up the Civic and then we're off like a dirty shirt to a foreign province to get shitfaced and be embarrassing without any repercussions. I tend to forget when I drink.

That's probably for the best.

P.S. Your homegirl is now Fern "Four Eyes Sometimes" McGee. Near-sightedness is cooler than your 20/20 vision, bitch.

kees kees

Happy birthday, Sydni Jodine!

'Tis my BFF's murda-versary today, and I'm very sad that she's away right now. No fears, my dears...we'll be getting crunked in a cabin on the 19th. Drunken squeal.

So, I was feeling like the cure for cancer earlier today when I saw that Les Savy Fav is playing at the Commodore on the 26th. It occurred to me later at work though that I'm poor and have to work and therefore can't go. It kind of sucks having "responsibilities" and "bills" and "ethics". Pssht, what's that, man? What is that? Whatevz.

It's the gas prices that are giving my wallet the strong right hook the worst. It's this whole "carbon tax" bullshit. I know the government wants to discourage Canadians from driving as much, but realistically, some people depend on their vehicles. It comes down to this: public transit isn't reliable, especially in less urban areas. And even in urban centres (i.e. Vancouver), buses and 'skytrains' are not always on time. Also, it's just as expensive to get a bus pass for a month as it is for me to put a tank of gas in my car. I can get 2 weeks out of 1 tank of gas if I'm mindful of my driving. A bus pass doesn't seem worth it when I can simply drive myself where I want to go for just as much. I think the real solution to the amount of greenhouse gases and emissions being produced is that....there is no real solution. People have become far too accustomed to the luxury of driving to give it up or even to reduce it at this point. I haven't been driving that long, but even to me, the idea of an existance without my automotive companion makes me kind of nervous. However, I am a connoisseur of public transit when the mood strikes me, so I can slowly "cut the cord". Very slowly.

Okay, stay shy.

we should be sleeping.

Oh, summer nights.

It's like this: why would I sleep when I can go on an adventure? I tried to come up with a logical and reasonable answer to that very question last night. Guess what? I couldn't think of anything. So, 12:30 am, I went out. Grabbed some 7-11 coffee (where I witnessed a significantly overweight employee making the next day's sandwiches sans gloves), drove up the hill with Cat and her Pentax, and spent some quality time. We took lovely pictures of the city's lights and were having a fantastic chat about the future, when a car pulled up behind mine. This was at 2am. We were both sketched by this, and were only slightly relieved when we observed a particularly handsome and young poo-leese officer swaggering over.

"Hey ladies, just wondering what you're doing up here so late. I've caught a few kids up here before smoking dope - you aren't doing anything like that, are you?"
(he notices the camera and coffees)
"Oh, cool. That's a pretty fancy contraption. Is that one of those SLR cameras? I have a Nikon, but it hasn't got that feature. It's pretty cool, though."

Yeah. We had a conversation with the cop about photography until he got a call and had to leave.

"Alright, you girls have a good night. See you later, maybe."

Cute.

Canadork.

Happy birthday, Canada.

I hope Canada's other 10 million or so inhabitants enjoyed it, because I sure as fuck didn't.

Canada day scheddy:

10 am - rolled out of bed and felt much like the A&W rootbeer bear. Duh-duhduh-duhduh-duh-dum
12 pm - went to work and spent 6 amazing hours in a red polyester vest. Ugh. I will say this much: at least it's air conditioned.
6 pm - finally got off....and left work, too. Zing! However, was disappointed to find that everyone was all planned up already.

I could have gone downtown to watch fireworks and spend time with the girls, but it's hard enough to find parking on any ol' day, nevermind a national holiday. I am told the traffic was insane. This is for the best, though, that I was unable to join in on the Canada day boat-scursion. Why, you ask? Well, the lovely ladies are stranded in the middle of the lake on their super fresh boat as we speak. Well, unless you're reading this past it's expiration date; I can then assure you that they're safe at home...I think. Yeah, they holla'd via cellphones to say "Hey, we're stranded in the middle of a lake. Don't worry, though; we'll figure it out. Meet us at the docks around 2am-ish. Love ya!"

So, I spent Canada day alone. This is no great feat, considering that I spend most holidays alone. Christmas? Alone. Easter? Rocked it solo. Valentine's Day? One is the loneliest number. St. Patrick's Day? ...who cares? So so so, I'm not too down about it, as you can see. I have to admit though, it would have been somewhat fun to get my face painted and eat cotton candy. Wow, that can be taken in a really dirty way. Oo.

Anyways, in my spur of boredom I managed to achieve: nothing. I could have been script writing, or life planning, or even baking. All I did was watch a movie, eat chips and made my face up to look like the late (and great) Edie Sedgwick.

"Andy. Andy, do you want the people? You have fabulous people."