Van-cougar.

Oh, my.

I never really realize how much I hate it here until I go somewhere really fantastic. Vancouver, my friends, is very fantastic. Let me tell you about my roadtrip, yes?

We left a little behind scheddy on Sunday because I'm into sleeping and staying out late. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I slithered out of bed like, 15 minutes before we had to leave. And I hadn't packed anything. You see where I'm going with this. Good thing I drive it like I stole it: we made it to Vancouver in 4 hours.

The first stop was in Coquitlam at Ikea, obviously. There was so much to look at and fall in love with that I actually didn't end up purchasing anything. Weird, right? Plus line-ups were longer than certain run-on sentences I've constructed. Burn.

We wandered 'round downtown for a bit after we checked into our very sketchy hotel room. We stayed in a "courtyard suite"...$100. Not worth a single cent, but oh well - it'll be something to tell the grandkids. The beautiful thing about Vancouver is that every other store is XXX. I went to a 25 cent peepshow. Fuck gumballs and parking metres; my quarters are better spent. I also went to the largest HMV I've ever seen and counted a whopping 42 Starbuckses (sp?). How the hell do I make 'Starbucks' plural? I can't think right now.

Did I mention that I planned out my ideal life while I was chillin' in Van? Yeah, it goes like this: I move there and magically become an important person at the newspaper, have a charming boyfriend who works at EA Games/somewhere cool, and we live together in a ballin' Ikea-furnished apartment downtown with a sweet view of the skyline. Emily magically lives there too, and works at a design firm making ghetto amounts of money, too, and we meet for coffee everyday during our lunch breaks. My charming b-friend and I invite her and her charming b-friend over for dinner every Saturday night, and we play Scattergories and make Indian food.

I dare to dream.

I've gotta say, there really isn't anything like the ocean. I spent a few hours oceanside, and I just can't find the words to describe how I feel when I'm standing on the shore. It's bittersweet. Sigh.

Anywho, the verdict reached by this trip? I need to move. Soon.

kthxbye.

FMcG

P.S. Long-ass post. My bad.

Weekend Update

I went and saw Quantum of Solace tonight with Ross, Kimothy, E-dubz, Jamie and his Mennonite wifey, Jennifer.

And then I saw a car accident.

I'm pretty sure I would have enjoyed the movie more if I had of sat through all of Casino Royale. Don't get me wrong, it was still good-ish, but I'm sure it would have been incredible if I understood 100% of the plot. I have this amazingly bad habit of falling asleep during movies. Half of the flicks I've seen, I've only caught half of due to my epic sleepiness. So, I guess I've only seen 1/4 of the movies I've ventured to watch. I'm a genius with fractions, by the way.

Big Gay Scott invited me to do ecstacy with him and drive really fast. It sounds interesting, but I'm already a paranoid android, so I think I'll have to pass on that one.

Correction: This week's pick of the week is actually Brendan Canning's "Churches Under The Stairs". I straight up deceived you. Sorry!

I'm taking a redhead to Vancougar with me this weekend. We'll return on Tuesday with armloads of Ikea and webbed feet. I've never been so excited in all my life.

Crush/I Want To Be...

Girlish swoon. Incredible envy. Mixed emotions!

Blog-a-thon

So, it's a Tuesday night. Do you know where your children are?

This week's pick of the week at 'bucks is The Stills "Being Here" from "Oceans Will Rise". Download that shit for free! It'll fit right into your collection, but do you think it'd be an audible minority in Obama's iPod? Listen to it and ponder along with me. I enjoy celebrity playlists.

In other news, I had Chinese food for dinner.

Emma and I have decided to try out cirrhosis this New Years. We aim high and are seldom disappointed.

Update:
I just realized how random this post is. Let's blame those 3 lattes I downed today, shall we?

BTWz: "Happy Holidays" count? Up to four, now.

Singles Going Steady*

Props if you get the title reference.

If anyone else talks about Christmas within the next 40 or so days, I'll shoot them in the face. Halloween barely ended by the time we saw the headlights of Christmas. I've already had three people wish me a "Happy Holidays". The first time it caught me off guard (I = wtf?), so I was like "hey, you too." Second and third time, it was more like "uhh, it's November. kthx."

So what is my big problem with the holiday season? Other than the fact that 'tis the season to steam eggnog (and cue me, eye-rolling), there's actually a lot. Here goes:

1) I am the furthest we can possibly get from Christian. Let's refer to it as polar opposite, yes? And, to the best of my knowledge, Christmas is kinda-sorta a Christian holiday. Clearly I shouldn't be hay-hoody-ho-ing over it.

2) Christmas is a family holiday; I have no family. My BFF on Christmas is a nice big cup o' "life water": up. Don't worry, I'm not too hurt about this.

3) Christmas isn't even a meaningful holiday anymore, Jesus lover or not. It's more about spending and getting and then feeling shafted for getting everyone such awesome, well-thought out presents and only ever getting socks and gift certificates in return. Example: last year I got my mom a ballin' gift set from the Body Shop (she eats that shit up), and she got me a hot pink, sparkly fuzzy bathrobe. Thanks a heap, madre; you clearly know me quite well (/not). I suppose I am perpetually 12-years-old in her mind.

So, there you have it. I don't like Christmas because it costs a lot and is depressing. I think that's enough justification for one night. Come to think of it, I could have just said that to begin with. Oh well.

Shout out: That guy from that place. You'll either get this reference because you're you and smart like that, or you'll miss this and feel like I'm a total bitch, but then you'll re-read this and feel like a fool. Either/or: I'm indifferent.

Takk, góða nótt!

Cheat sheet for the lazy:
*Buzzcocks compilation album, voted #358 on Rolling Stones top 500 albums of all time. Go out and flex that Mastercard muscle; you get what I'm sayin'?

P.S. I re-wrote the lyrics to "Don't Look Back in Anger" to be the theme song for this past Sunday. Filming didn't go so well because one of our main actors didn't bother showing up. I was about 30 seconds away from Godzilla-ing his ass when I finally got a hold of him and was told that he sincerely never got the memo; his junk email filter did it's job a little too well. So we're not looking back in anger at Sean O'B. Case closed.

Need a little time to wake up, wake up.

Have you ever heard anything by Beulah? I'm listening to "If We Can Land a Man on the Moon then Surely I Can Win Your Heart". It's quite possibly the longest song title I've seen, but that has no affect whatsoever on the quality of the song. It's ballin'.

Guesswhatguesswhatguesswhat? We start filming tomorrow morning. I am Jack's sense of excitement. And guess what very special director gets to make a cameo in the film as a soccer mom? C'est moi. Seriously, this film is going to be off the hizzy.

Wait, have I even shared the news yet? Yessir, film numero 2 is in living colour. We start tomorrow morning, bright and early...hence the title of this post. Also, because I am chained to the mirror and the razor blade. Kidding! Or am I? This one is going to be mighty tasty, lemme tell ya. I'm not releasing any other tidbits about it until she's done, so you can just learn a little thing we like to call patience in Canada. Yes? Yes.

I heard the best but worst joke the other day about Sarah Palin. If you are easily offended, stop reading now. Still here? K.

"What do Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina have in common?

...Retarded things come out of both of them." - Alex, Thursday night.

Guess who can't stop urinating? I am Jack's hyperactive kidneys.

Love you!

FMcG

hallo!

I test drove this bad boy today, and I think I'm sold.

I'm big on safety; I'm like a soccer mom in that sense. Plus it's got like, 8 cup holders. The bitchmobile? Zero.

This is not to say that I am no longer the bitchmobile's #1 fan, because we are very much still in love. I'm just saying that maybe it's time to retire the ol' girl. She's seen better days, and I think she's ready for a rest.

Goddamn, I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about our life together. That car has been my one and only friend sometimes.

BTW, if Andy Warhol were a little less dead, I'd marry that sonuvabitch.

Hump Day

Let me start off by saying I'm listening to "All Along The Watchtower" - Hendrix version. It's phenomenal.

My feet reek. No joke. When you stand around in leather shoes with synthetic sockies on for about 8 hours, they eventually begin to accumulate a certain scent. Add the amount of dried dairy living in the crevasses....you see where I'm going with this. Yuck, right? Right.

I had toast for breakfast, and came to the decision that I'm really average. It was disappointing.

I lied to a woman named Connie tonight. She invited me to a Mary Kay make-over party (which makes me feel horribly and obviously fugly), and I politely declined, throwing out the bullshit excuse that I had to cover someone's shift at work. With my luck, she'll show up and the scene will look something like this:

Connie: "Where' that lying sack of shit I invited out tonight? I'mma kill her."

Someone I Work With: "Who?"

Connie: (wielding a hunting knife) "Starbucks employees, you will pay!"

Connie then proceeds to savagely murder my work friends, leaving her Mary Kay business cards strewn about for me to find, mafia style, so that I know who is responsible for the carnage.

And scene.

I was going to tell you something important, but I completely forgot what it was. This is happening to me a lot lately, and I'm actually rather concerned about it. I was considering taking vitamins again, but every time I take them, my pee turns green. I don't see how that can be a good thing, you know?

I'm Icelandic; You're Adorable,

FMcG

eggshell white

I'm having a bad life day.

It's just one of those days, you know? Like, I woke up this morning, and I felt okay. I talked to a certain someone I've been interested in lately, but you know what? I'm just not feeling it. I thought I was, but today's conversation just cemented what I've known all along - he's just not the one for me, either. Today, I definitely feel "off".

Like, I'm not exactly sure where I want to go now in May. I was very confident on moving to Victoria, jamming with other writers at UVic....but now I'm not really sure. Ideally, if I want to be a writer, that's where I should go, but I just don't know how I feel about it anymore.

A part of me really wants to be in a bigger city, like Vancouver or Toronto.

People tell me I should wait, that eventually I'll get there. I know they're right, but at the same time, I have cabin fever now. I need to get out. I've been nosing around some other institutions, and I'm liking a few on the coast.

I really want to be near the ocean. That's really my only requirement.

P.S. Happy(?) Remembrance Day.

This is really only for my own personal enjoyment.

....but you can indulge, too.

Hay is for Horses and Heteros.

Blogging Jesus, strike me down.

You know what I do? I work and I sleep. That's about it.

It's not all bad, you know. I work with uh-MAY-zing people. Scotty and E-Dubz, that be a shout out to you, my fair friends. And the shit that happens at work? Epic to the point of painful laughter.

I got hit on yesterday. This would be something less incredible if it weren't for the fact that I was completely oblivious to it until afterwards, at which point I asked my co-worker/good friend Irina if that's what went down.

"Oh yeah, that dude was maaaaad hitting on you. That was almost sad how hardcore he was givin' 'er."

I had no clue! And then I started to feel bad, because I was so indifferent to the conversation he was trying to strike up with me, and I have to give him mad props for attempting to mack on such an obvious bitch. Anyways, I'm sure that he'll be back into the store sometime....apparently he works just down the street and he "loves this place". Direct quote, guys. When he does coming wandering in again, I'll be sure to let him know that "I'm spoken for*, but thanks anyways.".

On second thought...maybe I'll just play along. He wasn't completely unfortunate looking, but (not to sound vain) I'm a little out of his league. It could be fun* to just, you know, have someone adore me from afar and eventually end up following me home one night only to kill and dismember me. Or just have someone like me enough to want to come visit me where I work, even if I don't (want to) know them.

*Complete lies.

P.S. I didn't get to roll with my Halloween tradition. In fact, I didn't get to celebrate Halloween at all. This, however, does not mean that I am not a full-fledged trick 'r' treat looter; I've been scarfing down mini Crispy Crunches since the 30th. I feel WAY fat, and constantly jittery. No surprise there.