toothy smile.

I'm having big issues with my derriere today.

I happened to catch a side view glimpse of it in the bathroom at mirror at work and I thought to myself, "hey, look at that cute rump." Okay, and then I did the saucy "check your ass out from over your shoulder in the mirror" schtick, and I was mildly horrified. My bum is a good size - I'm not complaining that it's too big. It's just that it's got this really awkward shape to it that kind of makes me a little bit sad. This is amongst a long list of physical discrepancies. Don't worry about it.

So, the new homestead has a lot of issues - it's true. What's great is that I'm a real trooper, so I can handle them in waves. What I can't handle? Single stall shower. My legs are longer than my torso, so it is a long way down for me when it comes time to hack at the manly leg stubble that I constantly regenerate. Tubs are convenient for this. Single stall showers create a bit of a challenge, and with the acrobatics I pull...let's just say that if the Starbucks thing doesn't work out, I hear the circus is hiring. Also, the strip club. No biggie.

But the real big fear with having the crown of my head pointed towards a soapy wet shower floor for unnecessary amounts of time is that I tend to get a bit head-rushy. The very last thing I want is to like, get a bit too much blood to the head, lose my balance, fall down and smack my melon so hard I die. This would suck more than just dying because I would only be found after:

1. Starbucks goes from pissed off to concerned when I fail to show for work for more than 5 shifts and don't answer my phone. I imagine they'd contact my "emergency contact" who would, in turn, contact the po', who'd come to my house and find me.

2. My landlord finally notices after 3 days that I'm somehow still in the shower, and in an Asian spitfire blaze of fury over me finagling all the hot water, storms into my humble home and finds me.

And how do they find me? Well, naked, dead and with only half of a leg shaved.

How embarrassing. ...speaking of which:

Did you hear David Carradine died? Did you hear how he died?

I used to have such a high image of him; it was lonely on his pedestal.