People Got A Lotta Nerve

I need to go no further than my patio to find top notch wildlife watching. About an hour ago, I watched two raccoons shit-kick each other out there. The other morning, I chased a deer away that was creepin' my house. I also have bunnies galore, and I wuv bunnies. Heart!

I don't know what's the matter with me lately. I've completely stopped writing and I haven't a clue why - it's not like I've got anything better to do.

Nope, the only thing I've been doing lately is thinking (and stalking wildlife from my windows). Thinking about what, you ask? About babies. It feels like my biological clock is tickin' waaaaay too soon for comfort. I can't really seem to go a day without thinking:

"Clothing at Baby Gap is adorable. Yellow is so nice, and gender neutral."

"What would make a unique but socially acceptable boy's name?"

"I really ought to find someone to father me a baby...now."

I'm really not okay with this at all. I am far too young to even consider taking on the responsibility of motherhood - I've barely started my life, and now I'm ready to ruin it with parenthood? Not likely. Christ, I can't even take care of Bump without getting antsy. Maybe it's just that I'm longing for something to take care of, because I just feel so lonely all the time. The worst part is that there was never a part of me at all that ever longed to be a mommy. It was just how I wanted things to be; I'd take care of myself and myself alone. I needed to focus on my future and my dreams and on all of my shit. So, what happened? This riot grrrl's gone soft. Perhaps it's got something to do with this funny feeling I keep having? It's kind of like a bird fluttering around in a cage, but the cage is really my heart. I'm inclined to say that this is a very scary feeling, however, it's a feeling I've yet to really make an opinion of. They say it's really great, but they talk a lot without knowing what they're talking about, don't they?

I downed a twenty-two ounce yellow slurpee tonight in about 3 minutes and had the worst brain freeze of my life, but it was awesome and perfectly childish and was exactly what I needed. I keep making myself grow up far faster than I should have, and I wish all the time that I could stop being that way.

Sad face!