exploration

Longevity is something that fascinates me.

Not in terms of life, because on a long enough timeline, the survival rate of everyone drops to zero (yes, Palahniuk nod). I'm talking in terms of the staying power of things like friendships, relationships - those sorts of things. The things you don't ever imagine to be stamped like milk with an expiration date. The bonds we make with other humans appear to have no shelf life limit.

I heard a great story the other day from my co-worker, Christine. A very old woman came by my till with her, laughing and joking around; all very funny-fun and light-hearted. It was then Christine said, "Fern, you're looking here at a woman who was somebody's wife for 60 years, but she's a widow now. Boy, does she miss the sex." Giggle giggle giggle from both of them. I was more than intrigued though, not about elderly intercourse, but about how it is that they were able to stay together so long. Is it really possible for two people to remain happy with each other for all their lives? With the divorce rate nowadays hovering at the 50% failure mark, I wonder if love is at all worth it. Or, maybe love's expiration date only matches your own. Possible, but we can't prove it.

I think the one thing that frightens me about friendships, relationships, etc. is that you never know how someone really feels about you. You could be loving someone with all your heart and suddenly they just...don't feel the same anymore. Or, they never felt the same in the first place. Worse yet, you could pour your emotions out for someone, thinking that they do feel the same, and then WHA-BAM, you're rejected. (Clearly, I have experience in this field (unfortunately).) It's not just about romantic relationships, either. This shit happens in your everyday run-of-the-mill friendships, too! Recently, I've had to re-evaluate my feelings for practically everyone I know. You know what I found out? I haven't got any real friends. It's kind of a sad fact to try to face, but acceptance is key to recovery. I accepted that I have no soldiers fighting with me on the frontlines of life anymore. What sucks is that I used to. There was so much love dancing around my little head from all my very charming friends, that somedays I felt like the luckiest gal this side of the moon. Things change, I suppose. People change, perspectives change, feelings change. But guess what? It's actually not so bad. Change, they tell me, is good. But, so brings along the explanation for exploration...does anything truly last forever? To what extent is there real permanence?

I discussed this with a redhead once. She said that death is permanence, because once it happens, it's a forever sort of deal. I, however, argued against this, considering that when I was three-years-old, my nana was dead (and pronounced, may I add) for a whole ten minutes. She sprang back though, which is great fodder for contradicting the question of permanence. So so so, what is truly permanent?

Dunno.