"Receding Hairlines, Nice Cars." - Just for you, Diane.

Boy, oh boy and girl, oh girl.

All I do lately (see: the last 3 days) is scream along with Conor Oberst and be Napzilla. I'm such an obvious mess. That aside, I'm great. Why so great? Well, I had the utmost joy of scoring quite possibly the coolest necklace tonight at vintage shop downtown. It's the most unconventional looking owl necklace I've ever seen, and I believe it dates from the early 70s. I feel like a total hipster, and it's actually a shitty feeling. Whatever; the thrill of the hidden treasure hunt always makes my heart go pitter-patter. Best part? $10. Worth every germ-laden penny. I also subdued the foody part of me by getting my chow on at a fancy-ish eatery with my friend's mom (hot, I know) in celebration of her birthday. Hellz yeah, pushing 50 and still lookin' fine. I can only wish to be so blessed in the collagen department. Wrinkles are scarce now, but I'm pretty confident my face will eventually look like a map.

You know what's hilarious? Small town hick boys. Characteristics: Ford trucks, Carhartt outerwear, (occasionally) hats, shitty taste in music, love of the ladies. No joke, I got hit on like mad tonight, and as adorable as that may seem, it's just not flattering when it's coming from a dude with fucked up teeth. Yeah, I'm finicky when it comes to oral hygiene; don't even act like you aren't.

Suggested good times: go to your local Wal-Mart (or pharmacy or any big box department store) just before it closes and hang out where the condoms are shelved. Don't be obvious about the fact that you're lurking in this section; be casual. Count how many awkward teenagers come in fixin' to buy some rubbers right before closing (thinking that the chances of seeing someone they know will be significantly lower, perhaps?). Count the shifty eyes and the obvious embarrassed looks. Keep tally of Trojan vs. Durex. Make note of sizes snagged and how many guys pick "her pleasure". Watch how fast they split after they've made their hasty anti-reproducing choice; it's almost like they're running the 100m or something. Silly kids; I don't understand why contraceptives have to be so contraband.

Anyways, hilarity ensues, so give it a try.